A prayer

Please please please let it be okay Lord. I don't know what to pray for and what to pray for it not to be.... But help me to trust you and leave it in Your hands. And please let my darling grandma never have to suffer, and live to a ripe old age that I may be able to pamper her and return a fraction of all the love she has given me my entire life.

Emo post

The most important quality of a pillowcase has got to be the texture. Looks are secondary. I have two new ?suede ones which are super soft and i can't stop touching them haha. Doesn't matter that it's winnie the pooh and his entire friggin family haha the feeling of the material against my skin is just luxurious.

I'm pretty tired tonight. A bit overstimulated by the choir concert. With the soprano keys and the bright lights amidst darkness, some super fast songs with everybody singing at the same time all superfast but different.....

Don't know what's wrong with me these days, most likely it's the pre-stress of exams dawning on me. Tend to get a bit edgy at exam time. Probably that and the girly hormones. And grandma's stuff. Sigh.

What I liked about you, initially, as I told some friends, was the feeling of timelessness when I was with you. It wasn't just that I never had to rush. It was the pure luxury of just sitting wherever didn't matter where eating whatever though usually something very yummy and having all this Space (imagine a lovely green field with some pretty flowers) in front of me to be myself, there was room to talk about anything, to be happy, enjoying each other's company. Each time I met you, I felt that this was the quality of your company.

Now, it hasn't changed That much, but timelessness no longer exists. And I'm thinking that it was probably naive of me to expect it to last cuz of cuz we live in a world where we need sleep a precious and scarce resource, where calls and work and 7 am rounds and 8 am lectures exist. They did too then but....... Now I can't have chocolate cake or some other sinful thing after dinner. Now I feel like I'm rushing constantly, always wary of when you are gonna say that you have an early day tomorrow or that you are tired etc. It may be selfish of me to miss the way that you made me feel but I do. And I promised myself that in this relationship I was gonna say everything that was on my mind or that I was wondering and I'm doing that less and less these days somehow all the things or questions sound like they are better not brought up.

There's no solution, you won't know cuz you won't read this, and anyway I will be spending all my time mugging for the April 27 exam so.. Anyway there's no solution that I can see. And it's time to start doing all the paeds readings.